Boxing with myself

I really don't write on this enough (ever) but I think I do want to do it more. Since it's the season of goodwill, godliness and gratitude (The 3 G's), I thought,

"What better time to send my thoughts and 'thank you's out into the universe?!"

This year has been one of ups and downs, and I have to admit I've found it pretty trying at times. Sometimes I do feel like I'm wading through the abyss, and I'm going to sink damn soon. It hasn't happened yet though. And I know deep in my heart that the reason for that is down to my beautiful friends and family. I do tend to hate Christmas time in recent years... not because I'm a grumpy Grinch, and I dislike the holiday itself (I loveeee the festive period!) but I find the stress of the household on Christmas Day and the simultaneous difficulty in getting ahold of my less-nearby loved ones in those times of domestic dispute to be quite arduous at times. I've always been a person who has counted their dear friends as closely as blood relatives, so Christmas can seem strange when I'm so far apart from lovely people like Amy, Elise, Zoe, and of course my lovely boyfriend, Michael. I want to go out and socialise and attend Christmas parties as it's always so joyous being merry with old friends, but the insidious anxiety which the 25th seems to go along with seems to stop me, because I know that the mounting stress needs to be bayed by some quiet relaxation and not to be flanked by hordes of tipsy people I don't know very well and can't confide in without seeming ridiculous.

The odd thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person to feel this way. The holidays are a time of bittersweet nostalgia, rushing around and relaxing all rolled into a few short-houred days and nights, and though you spend weeks looking forward to the coming festivities, sometimes it's hard to cram everything in and enjoy it once it's upon us. Of course, most people don't stress about these things, just have a drink and get on with it, but when you have a tendency to overanalyse and guilt-trip yourself about missing a night out with rarely-seen friends it can almost ruin the holiday for you! A shame, but something I'll just have to get better at putting in perspective. The thing is, I have a problem with seeing other people's perspectives so much I almost lose sight of my own... something else I need to work on this year.

I'm sure at one point in my life, I made a subconscious vow to myself that I would never make any proper plans or promises, swear allegiance to any one thing wholeheartedly, for fear that I'd learn something new, another promise would make more sense, and I'd have to take it all back and it would have been a lie. And I hate lies. But now, I'm realising that it's not a lie. You can have different interests and views on things and it doesn't make you a fraud, so long as you're sincere from the beginning. I was always scared I would let myself down and I'd disappoint myself if I made decisions too quickly. But I think I need to jump into things more. I need to let loose and be free like I always have been, somewhere, deep down.

I have found this year so hard; being apart from my most beloved has forced me to see things in a different light and even though absence does make the heart grow fonder, it can also trick you and make you lose sight of what and who you really both are. Living at home has it's benefits and I have been so lucky to spend more time with my amazing and loving family. But, twenty-three really is too old to be here. I need my old life, my own space, my own rules, and in trying to be a good lodger you forget that you are even changing your tastes and habits to suit others, and seem to become a slightly paler, more boring version of yourself. Not being able to drive and having virtually no money doesn't help either. I feel I've become an older, poorer and more boring version of my sixteen-year old self! I want a nice flat, I want to decorate it myself, I want to work and be working towards a vision for myself, whatever that may be at this point. It doesn't really matter where I go, so long as trying to get there makes me happy.

I have to say "thank you" to my amazing friends. Amy and Tammy, especially, have been incomparable and crucial in my path through this difficult year. Their warmth, humour, patience and neverending compassion have bolstered my faith and happiness more than anything else could have done. I feel truly blessed to have two such loving and inspiring people in my life, for now, and always. The same has to be said of my sweet boyfriend, Michael. I have never known anyone so indiscriminating and full of unconditional love and unwavering faith. A more loyal and loving boyfriend, I could never ask for. I only look forward to the days when we can be together once more and enjoy eachother's laughter and silly jokes as much as we have to be apart.

2 0 1 1! I salute you!
You have given me a lot to think about, and a lot to be thankful for.

Light and love, and peace to everyone.

XO

Dragonhide

'But why, why, why should we suffer that pit and blackness and pressure, why should we even try to be human if we are going to die? If you die your pain and struggle have been useless!'
         'I take a less gloomy view. A good life means fighting to be human under growing difficulties. A lot of young folk know this and fight very hard, but after a few years life gets easier for them and they think they've become completely human when they've only stopped trying.'

 by Alasdair Gray.

Love

I don't often actually write on this, preferring to just convey my silly thoughts through nice song lyrics and little pictures. But after a lovely weekend with my favourite person, I feel like I want to for once in a long time. He is going away soon, and I am very sad about being apart from him. Having not seen him in two weeks, this weekend was so lovely. I lit up seeing his face as he opened the door, and I could tell he was so happy too. Being with him, time just disappears. I immediately feel so content and at ease just being in the same place as him. I don't believe in being with someone just because you don't like to be alone. I believe in being with someone because you hate to be without that one person who makes everything special, even if it's just a trip to the local garden centre to look at the pretty flowers you would like to grow in your imagined little garden wilderness one day....

Sometimes, things get tough. It's difficult to remember this isn't how life will be forever. But I know that everyone is lucky in some way, however big or small it is.

I know who makes me lucky.

Joni.

Tears and fears, and feeling proud
To say 'I love you', right out loud...

Hopeful

Tired eyes
we sheltered together
from the storm
raging outside.
Tell-tale signs
of our age, dark hairs
sprout from your strong chest
They whisper that
we're growing up
Like fresh blades of grass, 
they show the everchanging seasons
we live through
And give me hope
that we will bloom,
rich with the piquancy of all
our emotions
Flushed by the rose blushes of youth
We wax and wane.

Rumours

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Just so.

The soft scent of cotton sheets.
(Really should clean them more often)
Ignore tempting deals on alcohol.
(Buy four bottles of Cava, and drink them all in front of the telly on a Tuesday night)
Avoid ending up with £350 phone bills.
(Four-hour phonecalls are the sweetest lullabies)
Plan in advance.
(Traipse up and down the Parade on Hallowe’en, only to end up with a squashed pumpkin)
Get to know your neighbours.
(Nose often pressed up against the window of a pizza place at 11am)
Be very careful.
(Sustain injuries on a kitchen countertop)
Immerse yourself in culture.
(Purchase eight horror flicks for £10)
Be thrifty.
(Spend hard-earned dollar on a taxi to see your favourite, at least thrice a week)
Frequent your local shop.
(Arguments between fridges as to what to make for dinner)
Give him the retards job.
(Parmasan)
Look after eachother.
(Kisses, all the time)

I love you.

Paint the silence black

Now save me.

It's the reason why your teething side frustrates me (irates me).

My problem.

When I see your picture my heart forms a fissure,
I guess that I get this way.
I need a rooftop I can look from or jump off,
I guess that I get this way.

What's the problem, dear? Are you feeling unloved?
That's what I was most afraid of.

I need a fresh arm I can slice up or cut off,
I guess that I get this way.
When my skies are crooked my scars turn blue,
I guess that I get this way.

Dice

I am crying over you...
I am smiling; I think of you.

Adore.

For the first time,
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound in my time,
I'll wrap my wire around your heart
And your mind
You're mine forever now.