Boxing with myself

I really don't write on this enough (ever) but I think I do want to do it more. Since it's the season of goodwill, godliness and gratitude (The 3 G's), I thought,

"What better time to send my thoughts and 'thank you's out into the universe?!"

This year has been one of ups and downs, and I have to admit I've found it pretty trying at times. Sometimes I do feel like I'm wading through the abyss, and I'm going to sink damn soon. It hasn't happened yet though. And I know deep in my heart that the reason for that is down to my beautiful friends and family. I do tend to hate Christmas time in recent years... not because I'm a grumpy Grinch, and I dislike the holiday itself (I loveeee the festive period!) but I find the stress of the household on Christmas Day and the simultaneous difficulty in getting ahold of my less-nearby loved ones in those times of domestic dispute to be quite arduous at times. I've always been a person who has counted their dear friends as closely as blood relatives, so Christmas can seem strange when I'm so far apart from lovely people like Amy, Elise, Zoe, and of course my lovely boyfriend, Michael. I want to go out and socialise and attend Christmas parties as it's always so joyous being merry with old friends, but the insidious anxiety which the 25th seems to go along with seems to stop me, because I know that the mounting stress needs to be bayed by some quiet relaxation and not to be flanked by hordes of tipsy people I don't know very well and can't confide in without seeming ridiculous.

The odd thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person to feel this way. The holidays are a time of bittersweet nostalgia, rushing around and relaxing all rolled into a few short-houred days and nights, and though you spend weeks looking forward to the coming festivities, sometimes it's hard to cram everything in and enjoy it once it's upon us. Of course, most people don't stress about these things, just have a drink and get on with it, but when you have a tendency to overanalyse and guilt-trip yourself about missing a night out with rarely-seen friends it can almost ruin the holiday for you! A shame, but something I'll just have to get better at putting in perspective. The thing is, I have a problem with seeing other people's perspectives so much I almost lose sight of my own... something else I need to work on this year.

I'm sure at one point in my life, I made a subconscious vow to myself that I would never make any proper plans or promises, swear allegiance to any one thing wholeheartedly, for fear that I'd learn something new, another promise would make more sense, and I'd have to take it all back and it would have been a lie. And I hate lies. But now, I'm realising that it's not a lie. You can have different interests and views on things and it doesn't make you a fraud, so long as you're sincere from the beginning. I was always scared I would let myself down and I'd disappoint myself if I made decisions too quickly. But I think I need to jump into things more. I need to let loose and be free like I always have been, somewhere, deep down.

I have found this year so hard; being apart from my most beloved has forced me to see things in a different light and even though absence does make the heart grow fonder, it can also trick you and make you lose sight of what and who you really both are. Living at home has it's benefits and I have been so lucky to spend more time with my amazing and loving family. But, twenty-three really is too old to be here. I need my old life, my own space, my own rules, and in trying to be a good lodger you forget that you are even changing your tastes and habits to suit others, and seem to become a slightly paler, more boring version of yourself. Not being able to drive and having virtually no money doesn't help either. I feel I've become an older, poorer and more boring version of my sixteen-year old self! I want a nice flat, I want to decorate it myself, I want to work and be working towards a vision for myself, whatever that may be at this point. It doesn't really matter where I go, so long as trying to get there makes me happy.

I have to say "thank you" to my amazing friends. Amy and Tammy, especially, have been incomparable and crucial in my path through this difficult year. Their warmth, humour, patience and neverending compassion have bolstered my faith and happiness more than anything else could have done. I feel truly blessed to have two such loving and inspiring people in my life, for now, and always. The same has to be said of my sweet boyfriend, Michael. I have never known anyone so indiscriminating and full of unconditional love and unwavering faith. A more loyal and loving boyfriend, I could never ask for. I only look forward to the days when we can be together once more and enjoy eachother's laughter and silly jokes as much as we have to be apart.

2 0 1 1! I salute you!
You have given me a lot to think about, and a lot to be thankful for.

Light and love, and peace to everyone.

XO